Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
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[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit