Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that