@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.
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@Jardisliketardi: The three ages of bureaucrat: Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings? Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
@SteveKoehler22: Our son came home one day with a note from his first grade teacher: Your son bit another boy today. Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
@rmfnord: "Release the Kraken!" ... "Well?" "We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything." ... "Release the tuna!"
@stephenjmolloy: "Nutella causes cancer" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. "Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."