[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN