[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Not helping
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..