[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Rather alarming headline…
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.