[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener