[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]