[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Respect
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.