Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Did I do this right
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.