Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Ferrari squats
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!