[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Steam Forums
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
You got this…
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.