[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.