Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!