[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.