[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Great Canadian literature.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.