[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”