Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.