[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.