@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@chuuew: DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.
DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]
@panmidwest: [first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
@Just_A_Guy72: NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.
I call bullshit.
After logging on, most of us aren't motivated enough to get dressed
@amishschool: A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by "crippling them financially" so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
@jus4golf: I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F'ing B.