@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@ZombieProblms: My wedding vows said "till death do us part."
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
@abbycohenwl: She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?
@NoogsCorner: An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!"
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
@BetteMidler: Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.