@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@ibid78: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Because I'm a sweater"
"BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that's weird but no. Tail light's out."
@Scorpio1080: Before Calling Me, ask yourself "Is This Textable?"
@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body*
Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*
@TheFakeCNN: Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
@Jerrypleasure: [At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I'm a divorce lawyer