@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@GlennyRodge: My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
@AnkCoupleTO: [speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You'll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
@Sarcasticsapien: On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.
@Mr_Kapowski: Apparently, occupants aren't 8 legged pants for octopi
@SlickestOfRicks: "Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down." - the guy that invented the pen