@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@WheelTod: Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
@fro_vo: a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that's it. that's the punch line
@PetrickSara: Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
@Parentpains: If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
@pinupteacher: [blind date]
"Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos."
*huge sigh* LEGO. It's called Lego.