@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@kay_bee28: Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply 'with a cutlass' but I want her to pay for masters...
@MountainDouche: If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.
@EndhooS: Wife: he's always confusing sayings...
Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado
@robdelaney: Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It's like, why did I have kids.
@heymonroe: That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.