@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?
Wife: Just something with chocolate
[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]
@audipenny: Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
@ehdannyboy: "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.
@kelkulus: Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
@electrolemon: why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it's win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs