[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry