Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Every damn time
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Wise advice
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches