Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
They’re the worst 😩
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.