Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.