@Sassafrantz: Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I've had in 2015.
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@skadel68: Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it "inappropriate"
@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer
@SonOfCha: I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.