Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.