Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Friday
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1