[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
thanks auntie mary
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
incredible text to wake up to
Sing it!