[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.