(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
#Caturday
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)