[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Beware of fowl play.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My life in a nutshell
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.