[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
What kind of a cult is this?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
brian had himself a morning…
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.