@NicCageMatch: Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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@thenatewolf: If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you're about to get in some trouble.
@AndyAsAdjective: [SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] "enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes"
@Carbosly: This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.
@david8hughes: Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming