Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
New favorite tiktok
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.