Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question