[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.