[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.