[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
the composer
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
No Google it does not
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
A leaf blower, but for people.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.