TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.