I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend