If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything