[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Smile they said.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room