[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
buying dead houseplants to save time
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Chemical wingman
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.