*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
me, after any kind of buffet.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*