*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
You Might Also Like
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Well well well…
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.