*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[shakes fist at other fist]
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me trying to “trust the process”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.