*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
You Might Also Like
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Not all heroes wear capes.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.