*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
incredible book dedication
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.