*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.