TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.