@better_off_dad: Turbulence is just God's little way of telling us we're NOT BIRDS.
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@animaldrumss: moron: "duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea" me: try getting tacos instead, genius
@batkaren: "Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"
@samuelhlowe: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
@GayAtHomeDad: If your partner/spouse tells you they're not reading everything you tweet: A) they're lying B) hi honey!