Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
dutch is not a serious language
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.