[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control