Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
handsome & gretel
That’s enough internet for the day
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?